Sunky would like to make it clear that the Munky has got fcuk all to do with him. "To be quite frank I wish I'd never adopted the shit."

Ask unkle munky

Your tacky problems continue...

Russell from Stains asks - Dear Unkle Munky, does size matter?

Unkle Munky says - Dear Russell, the importance of size seems to depend upon who you ask. Personally, I am more than happy with 40GB.

Simon from Nottingham asks - Dear Unkle Munky, my gleaming new girlfriend says that I can take a ride in her Volvo anytime I like. I am very confused by her offer Unkle Munky as she cannot even drive and her dad owns a Mitsubishi Shogun?

Unkle Munky says - Dear Simon, I can only conclude that you have tragically misheard your partners offer. I would hazard to guess that your sparkling new girlfriend was inviting you to ride her Vulva anytime you like.


Louise from Paddington asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I was abducted by aliens last Thursday and as a result missed a dental appointment. Earlier today I was informed by a rather snooty secretary that - "Visiting distant galaxies with people purporting to be aliens is not a valid reason for missing a check-up!" She went on to say that I would have to wait a further three weeks for the next available appointment. I am livid and, to be quite frank, considering Wits End. Can I make a claim?

Unkle Munky says - Dear Louise, I am sorry to hear about the circumstances surrounding your dental appointment. I am afraid that the news gets no better in respect to your enquiry regarding compensation. Aliens by their very nature are notoriously hard to track down. Language barriers can also pose major problems when dealing with complex litigation cases. I would in this case suggest that you forget legal proceedings against an unknown martian race and instead concentrate on the wellbeing of your molars.


Louise from Paddington replies - I was referring to making a claim against the Dental surgeon you tit!

Unkle Munky says - Well, there's no need for that kind of attitude. I am beginning to see why the aliens might have rejected you!



Dan from Sodbury asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I have been offered a rather attractive position in the sales office at my place of work. The salary is excellent, there are numerous perks and I even get a company car and a generous fuel allowance. The office in question is open-planned and I will be working alongside ten women. With this in mind, I was wondering if the rumours regarding 'synchronised menstruation' were true?

Unkle Munky says - Dear Dan, for god's sake - DON'T TAKE THE JOB! There is a reason why your superiors have put together such handsome package. Women who work together, for some strange voodoo magic reason, generally tend to menstruate at the same time. No man can, or should, be expected to work under such extreme conditions. Forget the car and the pension and the fuel allowance! Think of your sanity. On this occasion I have no option but to advice against such a foolhardy move!

Amy from Hungerford asks - Dear Unkle Munky, my boyfriend and I are expecting our first child in October. We have asked the hospital staff not to disclose the baby's sex as we will be happy with either a boy or a girl. With this in mind we were wondering what colour to paint the nursery? We have been advised by a friend to opt for yellow, but this just reminds my boyfriend of a terrible bed wetting affliction that haunted him into his late teens. Any ideas Unkle Munky?

Unkle Munky says - Dear Amy, I think the answer to your problem lies in simply mixing the two colours, blue and pink. I have spent most of the day concocting this new colour. I think you will like. I have called it Blink (did you see what I did there...?)


Amy replies... Jesus! That's repulsive! Yellow it is then.

Unkle Munky says - I spent all bloody morning on that you ungrateful tart!

Gillian from Wales asks - Dear Unkle Munky, my arsonist boyfriend is expecting 50 candles on his birthday cake (He is only 25!) Is this normal behaviour Munky?

Unkle Munky says - Dear Gillian, please don't worry. This is perfectly normal behaviour for any budding arsonist.

Tim (and Jules) from Croyden asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I am a certified Schizophrenic... So am I Unkle Munky! Shut up Jules, I'm trying to ask a question... With my condition in mind, I was wondering... I really do need to get some bread in... Oh fer fcuk sake! Forget it Munky. I'll mail when Jules is less active.

Unkle Munky says - Ahem, ok Tim. No problem. Take your time.

A Problem Chered...

Barry from Ireland asks - Dear Unkle Munky, check out this pre-plastic surgery picture of Cher. She looked bloody awful in the 60's and no mistake!


Unkle Munky says - For God's sake Barry. That's Sonny! Her partner from Sonny and Cher fame? I've included a picture to help you. Cher (pre-plastic surgery) is on the right.

Sonny n cher

Tracy from Cardiff asks - Dear Unkle Munky, is it true that men who drive big expensive sports cars generally have very small penis's?

Unkle Munky says - Dear Tracy, my investigations regarding this question are currently on hold. I shall attempt another survey on your behalf, just as soon as the facial swelling has subsided.

Stuart from Telford asks - Dear Unkle Munky, if the rear wheel of my bicycle is powered by the pedals, what is the front wheel powered by?

Unkle Munky says - Dear Stuart, I have long suspected that strange mystical forces are at work with regards to the front wheels of bicycles.

Harriet from Swansea asks - Dear Unkle Munky, is it true that Aids was started by a monkey?

Unkle Munky says - Oh that's right! Blame it all on a poor defenceless monkey who can't speak up for himself. You make me sick!

Gary from Barnsley asks - Dear Unkle Munky, the Xmas tree that I replanted in January is looking somewhat dishevelled. To be quite frank, I can't see it lasting until December. Do you think Argos will give me a refund?

Unkle Munky says - Dear Gary, the Argos superstore cannot be held responsible for your crass stupidity. Artificial Xmas trees should be stored indoors (preferably a loft or a spare room).

Harry from Newark asks - Dear Unkle Munky, my hamster always seems to use his wheel at night. With this in mind, I have recently connected aforementioned treadmill to a small generator that powers a fan above my bed. Friends of mine say that this is tantamount to hamster slavery. What are your thoughts Munky?

Unkle Munky says - Dear Harry, I think your idea is pure genius. Harnessed sensibly, there is no reason why hamster power should not eventually replace nuclear. The slavery issue is bound to be a hot potatoes. I can only speak for my own hamster, Rudy, who happily spends hours on his treadmill and who would have no qualms whatsoever about being hitched to the national grid.

A Nuclear-Free Future?


David from Liverpool asks - Dear Unkle Munky, is it feasible that certain women do not enjoy train spotting? I recently took a blind date to a secluded local spot that overlooks a beautiful length of railway track. We spent five hours beneath an umbrella drinking tea from a thermos and observing the passing trains. I even took my photographs and detailed notes of previous expeditions. Why hasn't she called?

Unkle Munky says - Dear David, women are a mystery to me also. I assume that she felt overwhelmed by your knowledge in this area and perhaps felt unable to communicate on your level. Of course, there is also the possibility that you bored her shitless.

Billie from Ipswich asks - Dear Unkle Munky, do you know if Bono from U2 fame ever found what he was looking for?

Unkle Munky says - Dear Billie, I can confirm that Bono did eventually find what he was looking for and that both he and the terrapin are doing fine.

Sophie from Surrey asks - Dear Unkle Munky, have you noticed how little the letter 'J' is used these days?

Unkle Munky says - Dear Sophie, this anomaly regarding the letter 'J' was recently brought to my attention by a man named Gerry. Perhaps we should meet at the club Tropicana and talk of Juran, Juran, Jerbils and Jeriatrics . This way at least we will be doing our bit to readdress the balance of the aforementioned letter.

Tim (and Jules) from Croydon asks - Dear Unkle Munky, as you know, I am a certified schizophrenic. I attempted to ask your advice a few days ago but was rudely interrupted by my other self, Jules. He is currently on a sight-seeing trip to Wigan and, hopefully, won't be back before I have asked my all important question. Here goes - I was simply wondering Unkle Munky, if after death...

'Hiyaa, I'm home. Oo, put the kettle on would ya, I'm shattered. I've been on my feet all day....'

Oh fcuk it!

Unkle Munky says - Dear Tim, feel free to try again later. My thoughts and sympathies are with you (both).

Bono, reunited...

Bono reveals that the song, 'I still haven't found what I'm looking for' was influenced by a misplaced cuddly terrapin named Terry who, to his great relief, resurfaced on Ebay recently.


"I never thought I'd see the little fella again", cried a somewhat emotional Bono as he was reunited with Terry at Gatwick Airport earlier today.

Lee from Stratford asks - Dear Unkle Munky, yesterday I successfully stole 'Never mind the Bollocks' by The Sex Pistols from HMV. My happiness, however, was short-lived as every bloody track on it jumps! Is it possible to gain a refund on stolen items Unkle Munky?

Unkle Munky says - Dear Lee, stealing the aforementioned CD in the way you did is very much in keeping with the anarchic attitude of the Punk Rock movement. I cannot, however, be seen to condone your actions as that goody two shoes agony slag, Claire Rayner, often vets my replies. No refund can ever be made on a stolen item, as to do so would only weaken an otherwise very strong example of mindless insubordination.

Damon from Oxford asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I recently heard a line in a poem proclaiming that roses were red and that violets were blue. Surely this is complete arse as roses bloom in many hues and violets, unless I am very much mistaken, are violet in colour? The factual inaccuracy of this poem has caused me great mental stress and I have already lost three weeks work as a result. Can I make a claim?

Unkle Munky says - Dear Damon, poets often conceal literary anomalies by citing something called, 'Poetical Licence.' How such a trivial fault could cause a man ill health is, to be quite frank, beyond me! The only claim open to you in this instance is one of being a complete work-shy toss pot.

Fred from Birmingham asks - Dear Unkle Munky, my Bohemian girlfriend is insistent that I wear flowers in my hair. I have already lost numerous sales at my place of work (estate agent) as there are very few people who will trust a man with a garden on his head. Do you have any advice Munky?

Unkle Munky says - Dear Fred, the answer my friend is blowing in the wind, the answer is blowing in the wind. Simply shaving your head will put an end to your hippy strife. Perhaps you could also compromise by planting a few buttercups in your pubic lawn?

Rowan from Middlesbrough asks - Dear Unkle Munky, we have been studying crop rotation at school today and I was wondering if I should maybe turn the lettuce in my mum's fridge?

Unkle Munky says - Dear Rowan, I would suggest that you pay more attention in class and leave your mother's lettuce well alone.

Alan from Wales asks - Dear Unkle Munky, if a pimp pockets £500 at the end of the night and the five women working for him each take home £50, how much profit has he made?

Unkle Munky says - Dear Alan, making a profit would imply that the scum bag actually spent something in the first place. The amount in his wallet (no doubt fashioned from authentic crocodile skin and sporting a gaudy diamond studded monogram) would be £250. Just enough to buy the tosser a matching belt on which to hang the keys to his Ferrari penis extension. With regards to your eleven plus you may want to omit that final sentence. Good luck.

Violet Outrage...


Agony bitch, Clare Rayner says - Only those of a sensitive nature can appreciate the profound blueness of the vivacious violet. You are just a primate who can't even spell 'Munky' right!

Unkle munky says - Just fcuk off Rayner!

Emma from Leyton asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I will be travelling to France in a few weeks time and have purchased a book of 'useful' phrases to help me overcome the language barrier. To be quite frank with you, Munky features, the aforementioned book is absolute arse crack. Here are some of the phrases that said book purports to be beneficial.

  • 'Where are the monkeys kept?'
  • 'How much do you want for that banana?'
  • 'I love swinging from trees me.'

Surely a book of such inane phrases is of no use whatsoever to the serious traveller?

Unkle Munky says - Dear Emma, I don't know what you're talking about. The handy phrase book of which you speak seems like a sound addition to any tourists rucksack if you ask me. How much do you want for it?

Rossi from Coventry asks - Dear Unkle Munky, why, when removing the plug from a bathtub in Australia does the water swirl in the opposite direction of it's British counterpart?

Unkle Munky says - Dear Rossi, this is a very interesting question and one that has prompted me to perform numerous experiments at great expense to myself. Jetting to and from Australia isn't cheap you know? I have written many papers on the subject and have even given lectures both here and abroad on said topic. My conclusions regarding this phenomenon boil down to the simple fact that our antipodean friends possess a somewhat childish penchant for 'having to be different.'

Sprouts for balls...


Sharon from Salisbury asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I love my second-hand boyfriend very much and would never want to upset him in any way. I have noticed a strange anomaly about his person, however, that I feel obliged to mention. Is it normal for some men to have a sprout for a bollock?

Unkle Munky says - Dear Sharon, please use extreme caution when broaching this subject with your second-hand boyfriend. Mother nature, in her infinite wisdom, has seen fit to supply us with duplicates of our most important bits. Bollocks are no exception. A man can function quite normally with just the one. Your boyfriend was more than likely born this way and, to save himself some embarrassment, probably decided upon the then pioneering technique of 'Vegeta-ball Surgery.' You might be interested to note that we have since progressed in this field and now offer a rather realistic looking pickled onion prosthetic. To be quite frank Sharon, I was always rather pleased with the aforementioned sprout graft and am quite surprised that you have noticed the difference?



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