Sunky would like to make it clear that the Munky has got fcuk all to do with him. "To be quite frank I wish I'd never adopted the shit."
Munky's tip for the top!
Jeezus Munky! You’re about thirty years too late!
Unkle Munky says - Shut it Ms. Bumton!
Emily from Newport asks - Dear Unkle Munky, do you think that Britain is turning into a nanny state?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Emily, a government watchdog recently recommended that we get at least six hours of uninterrupted sleep per night. I am therefore unable to answer your question in full at the moment as I really should be in bed.
Shane from Westlife...
- A memo from Ms. Emma Bumton (legal advisor)
Ref. Shane out of Westlife.
Dear Munky, on page thirty you promised to submit a picture of my favourite boyband member, Shane (out of Westlife). Please see exhibit ‘A’. You then proceeded to post a picture of Shane MacGowan (out of the Pogues). It seems obvious to me that you knew exactly what you were doing and that you never had any intention of displaying the promised jpeg. If I do not see my lovely Shane’s face on the pages of Unkle Munky soon I shall upload something myself!
Unkle Munky says - Dear Ms. Bumton, you must remember that this is primarily an ‘agony’ column. We are here to serve the public (even the smelly ones) and to offer counsel and sympathy wherever needed. This is not some kind of interactive forum for sexually repressed ex Spice Girls! Your threat, Ms. Bumton, holds very little water. You would need a password to upload any pictures onto the ‘Unkle Munky’ forum! I would therefore recommend that you get on with your work and think yourself lucky that I am not presenting you with a written warning.
Ms. Bumton adds - Your password is probably something really predictable, like… arse or tits. I could gain access to your Commodore 64 in seconds!
Bugger! How did she know that!?
Simon from North Hampton asks - Dear Unkle Munky, who do you think would win a fight between bubblegum pop strumpet Britney Spears and our very own Ms. Rachel Stevens of S-Club 7 fame?
Unkle Munky says - Blimey, this is a tricky conundrum and no mistake. I may have to sleep on this one for a while Simon. In the meantime here is a picture of the girls for us to agonise over.
Ms. Bumton (Unkle Munky’s legal advisor) adds - Pathetic!
Debbie from Surrey asks - Dear Unkle Munky, as a hobby I have taken to balancing expensive seventeenth and eighteenth century porcelain tableware on my head. As a result of recent breakage’s I have been banned from the local museum here in Surrey and was wondering if you knew of any establishments that do not discriminate against porcelain balancing artists such as my good self? I am willing to travel.
Unkle Munky says - Dear Debbie, this is a most unusual hobby and no mistake. Balancing any kind of museum piece on your head is going to meet with distain and eventual revolt amongst those of a preserving nature. I would, on this occasion, recommend that you balance things that have less historical value. I, for instance, am typing this reply with a jar of Nescafe Gold Blend on my head. It is a lot of fun and no mistake. I hope this helps.
- A memo from Ms. Emma Bumton (legal advisor)
Ref. Out of coffee.
Dear Shit for brains, do you know where the coffee is?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Ms. Bumton, the last time I looked it was by the kettle. Don’t tell me that you have used it all up again already!
For Ms. Bumton...
- Shane from out of Westlife.
That’s actor and all round entertainer Shane Richie you useless fcuking idiot!
Sadie from Colechester asks - Dear Unkle Munky, will you be making any new year resolutions?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Sadie, both Ms. Bumton (legal advisor) and myself have agreed to be a little nicer towards each other in the new year. Emma has promised to stop calling me ‘Shit for brains’ and I am going to do my level best to put an end to the constant requests to see her extremely horny breasticles.
- A memo from Ms. Emma Bumton (legal advisor)
Ref. Coffee.
Dear Shit for brains, yesterday I asked if you had seen the coffee and you said that you hadn’t. I then went out and purchased a jar (using my own money). Upon my return I discovered the original jar on your desk (next to that rather obscene Kylie Minogue photo that some pervert has sent you over the Xmas period). I am taking £2.50 from petty cash! Wanker!
Unkle Munky adds - Role on New years day! Please note - The photo manipulation of Ms. Minogue was done by my own hairy hand. I hope you are suitably impressed? I had a hell of a job with that fifth banana!
PS. That jpeg is bollocks. I am now able to place said cup of coffee onto my head. I guess I am just more advanced!
Ms. Bumton sighs - Whatever Munky, whatever…
...and anyway Bumton, how the fcuk did you manage to fool the password protection facility and upload said picture!?
Ms. Bumton says - Well it was not difficult. You had already used ‘tits’ and ‘arse’, so there was really only one obvious remaining body part that a pervert like you would choose as a password. You may have evolved with regards to coffee drinking, but your imagination would seem to be as desolate as your parched sex life!
Unkle Munky adds - Bitch!
Happy New Year...
Jamie from Huddersfield asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I was wondering if you had any advice that might assist easily-swayed people like myself to finally keep our New Year resolutions?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Jamie, it seems to me that we often set our sights far too high. Instead of resolving to do something negative, like smoking less or eating less, why not resolve to do something more exciting and positive? I am planning on increasing the number of times that I masturbate and have also resolved to purchase more pornography. I hope this helps. And now, if you don’t mind, I have passwords to consider.
Ms. Bumton (Unkle Munky’s legal advisor) adds - Oh bollocks, not even more wanking! I already go home stinking of Munky semen!
01.01.07…
- A memo from Unkle Munky to Ms. Emma Bumton (legal advisor)
Ref. Happy New Year!
Good morning Ms. Bumton. I trust you are well and raring to meet the challenges of 2007? As a token of my appreciation for your recent hard work I have, using my primitive woodworking skills, fashioned a small gift for you. It can be found in the Ladies toilets, next to the new tampon dispenser (lovingly crafted from an old chest of drawers that I recently rescued from a dirty old skip).
Ms. Bumton replies - Dear Arse Breath, what the fcuk would I want with an ‘edible undies’ dispenser?
Unkle Munky says - So much for your New Year’s resolution! Please, Ms. Bumton, I must insist that you address me as Munky!
Debbie from Slough asks - Dear Unkle Munky, my brother is usually quite a hit with the ladies. Recently, however, at a ‘Bucks Fizz’ tribute evening, he was given the cold shoulder by some rather snooty librarian woman. Is it true the librarians don’t do dating?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Debbie, it would appear, on this occasion, that your brother may have mis-heard the young lady in question. I have checked the records for said ‘Bucks Fizz’ tribute evening and can confirm that it was attended primarily by ‘The Slough Lesbian Club’ and not, as you previously assumed, ‘The Slough Librarian Club’. I hope this helps? And now, if you don’t mind, I have edible undies to consume. The ungrateful cow!
Jade from Ludlow asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I recently won a competition to meet my idol, Ms. Paris Hilton! Due to a very hectic lip-gloss timetable I will only be allowed to ask her one question. With this in mind, what do you think that one question should be Unkle Munky?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Jade, sadly there are very few questions that you can put to Ms. Hilton as she is notoriously thick. My advice on this occasion would be to keep your question both simple and short. Perhaps you could ask if she is wearing her knickers?
Space Streak...
Ellen from Warwick asks - Dear Unkle Munky, do you have any handy tips with regards to obtaining a streak-free finish when cleaning windows? I have just spent over an hour buffing up my patio doors and they look worse now than they did when I bloody started!
Unkle Munky says - Dear Ellen, I believe that NASA are still working on a cleaning agent that will guarantee a streak-free finish when applied to both windows and mirrors. Apparently, the next space shuttle mission (code named, ‘Operation any excuse to go flying into space’) will be focusing primarily on the aforementioned problem.
Ms. Bumton (Unkle Munky’s legal advisor) adds - You talk such bollocks Munky! Everyone knows that streaks on glass can be cured quite easily with newspaper.
Unkle Munky says - Dear Ms. Bumton, perhaps your planet is not quite as attractive as ours, but here on earth both myself and the humans much prefer to look out of our windows (even if they are a little streaky)! Plastering yesterday’s news over said apertures strikes me as both drastic and defeatist. I would suggest that you leave the agonising to my good self and busy yourself with that Blu-tack retrieval challenge that I set you!
Ms. Bumton replies - Oh fer fcuks sake! You don’t cover the windows with said newspaper… Oh fcuk it! Do what you want. Idiot!